In this episode of 60 Plus Uncensored, host Seb Frey sits down with Alice Shikina, a professional mediator, arbitrator, and negotiation coach, to talk about what conflict really looks like later in life and what it takes to move through it without losing yourself or the people you care about. Alice has spent years helping families navigate divorce, inheritance disputes, workplace tension, and even disagreements around aging parents and healthcare decisions. Together, they explore why people get stuck in conflict, how mediation creates “forward motion” when conversations feel impossible, and what older adults (and the people supporting them) can do to advocate for clarity, fairness, and care, without turning every hard moment into a battle.
Conflict After 60 Often Isn’t About One Big Argument
One of the most useful ideas in this conversation is that conflict rarely starts with a single explosive event. More often, it builds slowly. A few misunderstood comments. A pattern of avoidance. A family decision that keeps getting postponed. A sibling who feels left out. A parent whose needs are changing faster than everyone can adjust.
After 60, many conflicts become more complicated, not because people are “more difficult,” but because the stakes feel higher. The decisions can involve homes, health, inheritance, caregiving responsibilities, or long-standing family dynamics that were never really resolved. And when the topic touches identity, independence, dignity, fairness, respect, people can become rigid without meaning to.
Alice describes her work as helping people move from impasse to peace and forward motion. That language matters. “Peace” doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is happy. It means the conflict stops running the show. It means the people involved can make decisions again. It means the tension doesn’t keep bleeding into every conversation, holiday, or family group chat.
That’s often what older adults want most: less friction, fewer emotional landmines, and a way to make necessary decisions without feeling constantly on edge.
When these tensions start building around caregiving, housing, or independence, it can also help to recognize early signals that change is needed, something explored further in How to Know When Your Parents Need to Move Into Assisted Living.
What Mediation Actually Does (And What It Doesn’t)
A common misunderstanding is that mediation is only for legal disputes or that it only works when everyone is calm and reasonable. Alice pushes back on both.
Mediation, at its core, is a structured conversation with support. It’s designed for situations where communication has broken down or where emotions are too high for productive decision-making. It can involve legal matters like divorce, but it can also involve “non-legal” disputes, like deciding whether a parent should move into assisted living, how siblings will share caregiving tasks, or how a family home should be handled after a loss.
What mediation does well is create conditions where people can speak and be heard without the discussion turning into a fight. It sets ground rules, manages interruptions, slows the pace when emotions spike, and makes sure the conversation stays focused on outcomes instead of spiraling into blame.
What mediation does not do is magically erase pain, force someone to change their personality, or guarantee that everyone will like each other at the end. In fact, Alice points out something many people don’t expect: workplace mediation can be harder than divorce mediation because the goals aren’t always shared. In divorce, both people (even reluctantly) are moving toward the same outcome: separation and a formal agreement. At work, or in some family disputes, one person may want the other punished, removed, or humiliated. That creates a different kind of challenge.
Still, mediation can help even when the conflict is messy. The goal is not perfection. The goal is progress.
Many families facing these decisions also benefit from understanding the bigger picture of care options, especially when weighing conversations like those covered in Senior Living 101: Everything Families Need to Know About Senior Living Options.
The Surprising Link Between Acting and Conflict Resolution
Alice’s background is unusual and surprisingly relevant: she trained as a theater actor and director before becoming a mediator. At first that might sound unrelated, but she explains that many acting skills translate directly into mediation and negotiation. In acting, you learn to listen deeply, read emotional cues, stay present in tense interactions, and understand what’s driving a character’s behavior beneath the surface. In mediation, those same skills help you notice what isn’t being said, what someone is avoiding, and where the real pain or fear might be hiding.
For older adults and families, this matters because so many conflicts aren’t really about the topic on the table. They’re about the meaning behind it.
A disagreement about selling the house might actually be grief. A fight over caregiving might actually be resentment from years of unequal emotional labor. A parent refusing assisted living might be fear of losing control. A sibling demanding a payout might be trying to correct a lifetime of feeling undervalued.
When conflict is treated like a surface-level argument, it tends to get stuck. When it’s treated like a human experience, layered, emotional, and shaped by history, people are more likely to move.
Why People Get Stuck in Conflict
Seb asks the question most people have at some point: “How do you help someone move forward when they can’t move forward?”
Alice’s answer is simple but important: people come to mediation because they’re stuck. They’ve tried talking, and it turns into fighting. They’ve tried ignoring it, and it doesn’t go away. They’re exhausted. They don’t trust each other’s intentions. They don’t know what a “fair” solution looks like.
Being stuck often comes from a few predictable patterns:
People repeat the same argument, just with different words.
- They focus on who is right instead of what is workable.
- They assume the other side’s position is fixed.
- They avoid difficult topics until the situation becomes urgent.
- They feel flooded, emotionally overwhelmed, and can’t think clearly.
- They don’t have a safe way to speak without being interrupted or attacked.
Mediation interrupts these patterns by changing the environment of the conversation. It’s not casual. It’s not a debate. It’s a guided process with boundaries and structure.
In many cases, these repeated patterns show up during major life transitions, especially when families are unsure Is It Time to Downsize? Here’s How to Know, which can add another layer of emotional complexity.
How the Process Stays Civil When Emotions Are High
One practical takeaway from the episode is Alice’s approach to keeping mediations respectful. She sets ground rules up front and makes it clear she will enforce them. This might sound strict, but it often creates safety. People are more willing to speak honestly when they believe they won’t be shouted over or punished for talking.
She also teaches people to recognize signs that they’re emotionally escalating: shallow breathing, a racing heart, jaw tension, headaches, and defensiveness. These are signals that the body is entering a stress response, meaning rational thinking becomes harder.
Her solution is not to power through. It’s to use a breakout room. On Zoom, this can happen quickly. In person, it might mean stepping out separately. The key is that people regain enough calm to continue without saying something they can’t take back.
Private Conversations and “Equitable Time”
Another point Alice makes is that in breakout rooms, she doesn’t spend an equal amount of time with each person. She spends an equitable amount of time, meaning she spends more time where it’s needed to help the group reach the middle.
This matters because conflict isn’t always symmetrical. One person might be emotionally overwhelmed. Another might be rigid and unwilling to consider options. Another might be holding back critical information.
In family situations, this often looks like:
- One sibling is carrying most of the caregiving burden and is burned out.
- One sibling lives far away and feels guilty, so they become defensive.
- One parent refuses to acknowledge their declining health.
- One adult child is trying to do “what’s best,” but the parent experiences it as control.
Equitable support doesn’t mean favoritism. It means helping the conversation function.
Negotiation Tools That Help People Move Off Extreme Positions
A big part of Alice’s work is negotiation coaching, and she brings that into mediation. She shares several tools that are especially helpful when someone takes an extreme position.
One method is asking each party to propose an offer they believe the other side could accept. This shifts the mindset from “Here’s what I demand” to “What could actually work?” It moves people out of fantasy and into reality.
Another method is the “mediator’s proposal,” where both parties agree in advance to accept whatever the mediator decides is most reasonable. This is not always appropriate, but it can break deadlocks when everyone is tired and trust is low. It requires both sides to be willing to let go of control in favor of resolution.
She also talks about using confidential ranges, asking one person for their lowest acceptable number and the other for their highest, then simply reporting whether there’s overlap. This avoids the damage that can happen when someone hears the other side’s bottom line and uses it as leverage. It keeps the process moving without unnecessary hostility.
These tools are not just for legal disputes. Families can benefit from the same thinking. For example, when deciding on caregiving responsibilities, a mediator might explore what each person can realistically contribute, not what they feel they should contribute. When deciding on housing transitions, a mediator might help define what “safe enough” looks like, rather than arguing about whether someone is “being stubborn.”
A Family Inheritance Story That Shows How Conflict Shifts
One of the clearest examples in the episode involves seven siblings who inherited the family home. Two wanted to step away from the property; the other five wanted to keep it. Conflict emerged when the two who wanted out asked to be paid out.
The tension wasn’t just financial. It was about what the parents “would have wanted,” what felt fair, and what obligations siblings owed each other.
What helped this mediation succeed was not some magical technique; it was organization. The siblings delegated the coordination to one sister. That prevented seven people from arguing about logistics before the conversation even began. It’s a small detail, but it’s a practical lesson: complicated family disputes often fail because no one is holding the process together.
Then, the breakthrough came from noticing something important: one sibling wanted a specific amount, while the other mostly wanted something “on principle.” The family had assumed that whatever one sibling received, the other must receive equally. Alice challenged that assumption gently: if one person truly does not care about the exact amount, why force a rigid equal split that prevents resolution?
The family initially resisted because it “wasn’t fair,” but eventually recognized that fairness is not always identical treatment. Sometimes, fairness is meeting people’s actual needs and motivations.
Mediation Isn’t Always About Agreements
Seb asks about mediation between police officers and community members, something Alice does as a volunteer mediator through San Francisco’s Department of Police Accountability. These mediations are only 60 minutes and often don’t end in formal agreements. Instead, they aim for a deeper understanding.
This is an important reminder for families. Sometimes what people need is not a contract; it’s closure. It’s to be heard. It’s to understand why something happened. It’s to express how it impacted them without being dismissed.
In later life, many people carry unresolved experiences within families, relationships, workplaces, and even institutions like healthcare systems. A well-held conversation can reduce the emotional charge of those experiences. It doesn’t erase the past, but it can stop the past from controlling the present.
Divorce Mediation and Why It Can Be Faster (and Less Expensive)
The episode includes a striking moment: Seb describes a friend who spent close to $100,000 on lawyers over two years, only to settle through mediation at the end when money ran out. Alice explains that this is common. Mediation is voluntary, and people often resist it until the cost of conflict becomes unbearable.
Alice says many divorces can be resolved in three to five sessions, which is surprisingly fast compared to traditional litigation. The reason is not that divorce is easy, but that mediation is focused. Instead of endless legal maneuvering, the process centers on decisions: asset division, housing, and arrangements that allow people to move forward.
For adults over 60, “gray divorce” is a reality; divorce later in life often involves retirement savings, long-term property, adult children, and complex emotions. The stakes can feel heavy. Mediation can offer a calmer, more private, and often less financially draining path, especially for those who don’t want their final decades shaped by courtroom conflict.
That said, mediation isn’t a cure-all. If one party refuses to participate, it can’t happen. And sometimes power imbalances or safety concerns mean other supports are needed. But the episode makes a clear point: dragging conflict out rarely helps anyone heal. It mostly drains money, time, and energy that could be used for rebuilding.
Elder Care Mediation: When Families Can’t Agree About Safety and Independence
One of the most relevant parts of this episode for a 60+ audience is the discussion of elder care mediation. Seb raises a common scenario: a parent has a fall, the family believes assisted living is necessary, and the parent resists. The conversation becomes tense and emotionally loaded.
Alice confirms that elder care mediation is very real and can be deeply helpful. These disputes often involve multiple family members, differing opinions, and a parent who may feel pressured or misunderstood.
What makes elder care conflicts uniquely difficult is that they touch on dignity. Many older adults fear that accepting help means losing autonomy. They may also fear becoming a burden, being controlled, or being “put away.” Adult children, on the other hand, may be frightened by safety risks and feel responsible for preventing catastrophe.
Mediation doesn’t decide who is right. It helps the family define what matters most, what risks are acceptable, and what support is realistic. It can also help families name the emotional layer, fear, grief, and guilt, so it doesn’t hijack the practical decisions.
These situations often overlap with broader planning decisions, such as those discussed in Aging in Place with In-Home Care vs. Assisted Living: What’s the Real Cost?, where families must balance safety, finances, and independence.
The Healthcare Advocacy Thread: Negotiating Care, Not Just Costs
Later in the conversation, the topic shifts to healthcare advocacy, and this may be one of the most practical sections for older adults.
Alice notes that people often think of negotiation in healthcare as negotiating a bill, but the bigger issue is often negotiating care. Many patients describe symptoms, get brushed off, and then leave feeling uncertain or powerless. Alice’s point is blunt: sometimes you have to be the squeaky wheel, because no one else is advocating for you.
She shares a story about a friend who had gallbladder surgery and continued to experience severe pain. The medical team repeatedly dismissed it as normal post-op pain. Her friend kept pushing for further investigation. Eventually, it turned out that a gallstone was stuck in her liver, something that could have been missed if she had accepted dismissal.
This story matters because it reflects what many older adults experience: being told something is “normal,” “just aging,” or “nothing to worry about,” even when their body is telling them otherwise.The message here is not to distrust doctors reflexively. The message is to take your own experience seriously. You are the expert on your body. If something feels wrong, your job is not to be polite at the expense of your health.
Learning how to speak up in medical settings is closely tied to understanding Navigating the Health Care System After Retirement: A Complete Guide for Adults, which helps older adults feel more confident and prepared.
Practical Steps for Advocating When You’re Being Dismissed
Seb asks what someone should do when a doctor insists a troubling symptom is “normal,” especially after major procedures. Alice suggests a second opinion and persistent questioning.
For older adults and caregivers, here are the steps implied throughout the discussion, translated into a clearer, real-life sequence:
- Start by documenting symptoms. Keep notes about when the symptom happens, how intense it is, what triggers it, and what relieves it. Doctors respond better to specifics than vague descriptions.
- Ask direct questions. Instead of “Is this normal?” ask “What are the possible causes of this symptom?” and “What would you do if it doesn’t improve in two weeks?” This signals that you expect a plan, not reassurance.
- Request the next step in evaluation. If you feel dismissed, ask what tests or referrals would rule out serious issues. If they say none are needed, ask them to document in your chart that you requested further evaluation, and it was declined. That request alone sometimes changes the conversation.
- Seek a second opinion early, not as a last resort. If a provider isn’t curious about your symptoms, another might be.
- Bring an advocate if you feel you won’t be heard. Alice speaks candidly about biases in medicine, ageism, sexism, racial bias, and how an advocate can change how seriously a patient is treated. The goal isn’t confrontation; it’s support.
If you’re too tired to fight, delegate. Not everyone has the energy to battle the system, especially when they’re unwell. A trusted family member can help schedule appointments, ask questions, and follow up.
The Reality of Bias and Why Advocacy Sometimes Needs Support
Alice also acknowledges something many people experience but rarely say out loud: the medical system is not neutral. People are treated differently based on age, gender, race, and other factors. Older adults can face ageism. Women are often taken less seriously. Some groups face additional barriers and assumptions.
Her suggestion is practical, not cynical: if you know bias may be at play, bring someone who shifts the dynamic. That might be an adult child, a male relative, or simply someone who is confident and prepared to ask questions calmly.
For seniors who value independence, this can feel uncomfortable. But reframing helps: bringing an advocate doesn’t mean you can’t speak for yourself. It means you are building a team around your health, the same way you might build a team around finances or legal planning. It is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
When Agreements Fall Apart (and Why That’s Not Always Failure)
Seb asks a realistic question: what happens when people agree in mediation, then wake up the next day and regret it?
Alice says it happens. People renegotiate. Some decide they’d rather go to court. Others reach an agreement after the mediation ends, once emotions cool down.
This is important because many families assume that if a conversation doesn’t end in immediate resolution, it was pointless. But conflict isn’t always linear. Sometimes the real shift happens later, after someone has had time to reflect, sleep, talk to their spouse, or sit with the reality of their own position.
Building a Life That Stays Meaningful After 60
Although the conversation is centered on conflict resolution, it also touches something broader: how people continue growing as they age.
Alice talks about learning violin later in life and joining a community orchestra. She explains a simple but powerful strategy for learning: join a group where others are better than you. It forces you to practice, stretch, and rise to the moment.
She also mentions rowing and travel, and the desire to shape work around life, not the other way around. This fits the spirit of 60 Plus Uncensored: aging as an active stage of growth, not a slow shrinking of possibilities.
For many people over 60, conflict becomes more intense because life is changing. Roles shift. Health shifts. Families shift. Retirement changes daily rhythm and identity. These transitions can create friction, but they also create the opportunity to redesign life more intentionally.Sometimes the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict. It’s to keep building a life that feels open, engaged, and aligned with what matters now.
Continuing to grow and stay engaged is a big part of aging well, and ideas like these are explored further in Creating a Fulfilling Lifestyle After Retirement, especially when redefining purpose after major life changes.
A Simple De-Escalation Tool You Can Use Today
At the end of the episode, Alice offers one of the most practical tools of all: repeat back what you heard.
Not in a robotic way, but in a grounding way. “Let me make sure I’m understanding what you’re saying.” Then reflect the core message.
This does a few important things at once. It slows the conversation down. It signals respect. It reduces the other person’s need to “prove” their point. It also gives you a chance to correct misunderstandings before the argument escalates. For older adults navigating family tension, this can be transformative. Many conflicts are fueled by the feeling of not being heard. Reflection is one of the fastest ways to lower the temperature.
It doesn’t mean you agree. It means you understand. And understanding is often the first step toward a workable solution.
Ultimately, many of these conversations connect back to a deeper question of purpose and direction, something thoughtfully explored in When Retirement Feels Too Small: How to Reclaim Purpose, Connection, and Joy.
Conclusion: The Goal Isn’t Winning, It’s Moving Forward With Dignity
This episode of 60 Plus Uncensored offers a grounded view of conflict that feels especially relevant later in life. Alice Shikina’s work is a reminder that hard conversations don’t have to destroy relationships or drain years of energy. With structure, clear boundaries, and the willingness to listen differently, people can move from stuckness to decisions, and from constant tension to something calmer.
For seniors, this matters because so many of the biggest decisions after 60 involve more than logistics. They involve identity, independence, fairness, and respect. Whether the conflict is about divorce, inheritance, caregiving, workplace strain, or healthcare, the deeper need is often the same: to feel heard, to be treated with dignity, and to find a path forward that doesn’t leave everyone emotionally bankrupt.
And for caregivers and family members, this conversation is a helpful reminder that pushing for outcomes is not the same as building agreement. If you can shift from “Who’s right?” to “What’s workable?” you’ll often find solutions that protect both relationships and well-being.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do in a conflict is not to argue better, but to slow down, reflect on what you heard, and ask what kind of future you’re trying to create together.